A New Day

Yesterday as I woke up and went for a jog/walk I couldn't have been happier as I thought how blessed I have been lately! Last week I had the opportunity to go to Heber Valley Camp with our YW for youth conference and the spirit was so strong. I love being uplifted and feeling the spirit so strong with these amazing youth. We were able to stay in the Marjorie Hinkley camp that President Hinkley had dedicated. You could just feel the spirit the minute we drove up. Then on Wednesday, this week, I had the chance to do baptisms for the dead with the youth and then attend a temple session with Brent. Once again I was feeling very touched by the overwhelming love and the spirit I felt. As I ponder on this last week I feel as though my loving Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for something, I guess I just didn't know what I was preparing for......

So back to yesterday. I woke up and was feeling great. I had my 16 wk check up and decided that I would take my kids with me, which I never do, because they wanted to hear the heart beat. So I thought no big deal. This is where my day went for a turn. The nurse comes in to check the heartbeat and can't find it. Yes I was nervous but at my 12 week check up it took them awhile to find it as well. So the nurse says we will just do an ultrasound. Of course my kids were so excited to see pictures and to see if they could tell what it was. The doctor comes in and starts the ultrasound. Immediately I feel that something is wrong. It was silent for what seemed like forever. I could tell the doctor was trying to do anything to find signs of a heartbeat. I felt the tears start coming and the doctor says in a soft voice to me, "This is the baby and this is where we are looking for the heartbeat." There was nothing. I had seen heartbeats on ultrasounds before. There was nothing. I knew right then there was no heartbeat but I was somewhat trying to keep it together for my kids. The doctor figures the baby's heart stopped beating about week 14 because of it's measurements. They also think it was due to some sort of chromosome abnormality. Needless to say, we are very heart broken and to watch my little Sydney's sadness was almost too much to bare. She kept asking questions and I could tell it just didn't make sense to her. They say it is called a missed miscarriage. It happens when there are no signs and the baby's heart stops and the mother's body just continues to think it is pregnant. We all feel very sad but know that if this baby had some kind of chromosome defect we are grateful that it didn't have to come to this earth and that it can be healed.

Today I go in for a D and C and once again I woke up crying. I had no idea I had so many tears in me. I do know that I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that allowed me to be somewhat prepared spiritually. I really believe that he knew I would need some very specific spiritual experiences to get me through this trial. I am so thankful for loving family and friends that will help me through this and for 3 beautiful healthy children and a very supportive husband. Thanks again for all your love and prayers. I know with time we will all heal.